little.bird.

“Hey, can I ask you something?”

“Who, me?”

“Yeah, you. Gettin into your car.”

“Um… but, you’re a bird.”

“Yeah, yeah. We’re not s’posed to do this, ya know, talkin to humans thing, but somethins been buggin me lately. Can we talk?”

“Uh. Yeah. I mean, okay. Sure.”

“Who’s gonna pass up a chance to talk to a bird, amirite?”

“Haha, yeah. Okay, so… what do you want to talk about Mr. Bird. Is that– I mean, what can I call you?”

“Yeah, I mean, that’s not my name or whatever, but fine. Mr. Bird is just fine.”

“So… what can I help you with, Mr. Bird?”

“Well, me and my friends been noticin a lot of you have been real stressed out lately. Like, since November? Y’all been kinda pissy and arguin with each other. The newspaper’s been all kinds of bad news.”

“You read the news?”

“Yeah, ‘course I do. We all do. Anyway, what’s up with this Shimkus guy? I remember seeing all kindsa signs with his name on ’em not too long ago, ’round here.”

“Oh yeah. He just won reelection. Ya know, for U.S. congress.”

“So, why’s everyone mad at him now for?”

“Because he said men shouldn’t have to pay for women’s prenatal health insurance.”

“Them’s a whole bunch a words I don’t understand.”

“Oh. Right. Well, uh, when people need healthcare–like when we get sick or need a doctor?–we have insurance. So that we don’t have to pay the entire cost ourselves. It’s like a pool of people all paying in, just in case one of us needs to get medical care.”

“So what’s that gotta do with uh… whatcha call it? Prenatal–”

“Prenatal care. Yeah, that’s when a woman gets pregnant? Like you lay eggs, human women have babies… they need care before, during, and after that. He doesn’t think men should have to pay into the insurance pool for that.”

“Oh. You guys like one of those weird species where you just split in half to procreate?”

“No.”

“You get yourself pregnant?”

“No, nothing like that.”

“But like, the men… they ain’t got nothin to do with that whole process? That’s why he’s mad?”

“No, they have everything to do with it. Us women can’t get pregnant without a man. Like, at all.”

“Really. Huh. So, what’s this guy’s deal? He against babies? He like, think they should be stopped from being born at all costs?”

“No, he’s actually really against birth control, and abortions, and thinks women should just have babies, I guess.”

“What?”

“Yeah, I know, right? Makes no sense.”

“So… I mean, not to be incendiary–”

“That’s a really big word for a bird.”

“–but why ain’t y’all like, protestin and riotin and stuff? If that happened in bird world, we’d have a revolution on our hands, lemme tell you what.”

“Uh… well, I mean, I guess some of us thought about it but I’ve got like, this Pilates Class thing later?”

“Pilates? That’s that thing where you’re rollin ’round on the floor and stuff?”

“You’ve watched me do Pilates?”

“Well, not on purpose but you should close your blinds.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“No seriously, you look ridiculous when you do that.”

“Yeah? Oh, shit. Well… I think I’m getting better.”

“No, you’re not. Anyway, what can I do to help? Anything I can do? Me and my pals? Like hey, look at that guy right there walkin to his car, could I shit on him?”

“Him? No, that one’s mine and he’s fine. Don’t shit on him.”

“Well, who can I shit on?”

“I’m really not even sure how that would help…”

“Me neither, but I do gotta go anyway so I thought, ya know, two birds with one stone. Haha.”

“Haha yeah, okay. Well, you can never go wrong with a guy getting out of a truck that has testicles hanging from it’s hitch.”

“I gotta tell ya, I got no idea what the hell a testicle is.”

“They look like little balls? Hanging on the back of the truck?”

“Oh. Yeah. Yeah, I’ve seen those.”

“Okay. Well, there ya go.”

“All right well, it’s been nice talkin to ya. Good luck with your revolu–oh right, you’re not having one. ‘Cause of Pilates.”

“Right. Haha well, have a nice shit, Mr. Bird. See you around.”

One thought on “little.bird.

  1. Yep, you’re preoccupied, and you know what? I don’t blame you. I really don’t. Least you’re channelling it – don’t fear ‘cos you’ll *always* be able to write. Funny, topical – all round excellent. 🙂

    Like

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